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  • The Real Vampires of Costa Rica ~Dirt

    The great Panamanian vampire invasion wasn’t the fun and games you’d think out of a war against the unholy spawn of the night. It was a lot more fun than that. Me and Ponch were banging around Costa Rica minding our own business, yelling at howler monkeys and things like that.

    Then this dude runs up, talking all fast and stuff, “Watch out! There is a civil war going on!” Then runs off.

    We look at each other and nod. We know what’s really going on.

    Fucking Vampires.

    But we knew what to do, we made for Cartago as fast as we could. It turned out that the god damn Costa Ricans were all vampires and they tried to invade Panama, but the Panamanians said nuts to that and reinvaded Costa Rica in the day time. They used the guise of Costa Rican rebels to stay under the rest of the world’s radar.

    So everyone thinks it’s a civil war and there aren’t any vampires and the Panamanian freedom fighters posing as Costa Rican rebels are fighting their asses off against this demonic vampire force, and actually not doing too bad. But me and Ponch figure they can use any help they can get.

    So we get to Cartago and there is a guy named Jose planning to sack the place. Turns out he just steam-rolled up the Pan American Highway taking any town in the way. But Cartago is a big one, and some guy has hunkered down pretty good.

    We offer to help fight the vampires, but Jose isn’t too sure about us, and he pretends that he never heard of any vampires. Pretty good cover that guy had. I give him a wink and offer to help win freedom or whatever he wants. He still isn’t convinced, so Poncho convinced him for us.

    After that we had to come up with a plan. Normally with this many vampires we would just burn everything down and call it a day. But Jose was pretty insistent that we only fight the armed ones, he would, “take care of the civilians.” Whatever that meant.

    After that we roll in and tear the place up, it was pretty brutal. I must have killed like two hundred vampires that day, Poncho just hung back and offered witty remarks and clever commentary. Not as clever as mine, but he tries really hard.

    A few days go by and we win. Jose is happy that the good guys won, but he isn’t too sure about us. I think he thought we were vampires too. Which is stupid because we were out in the daylight.

    After the fall of Cartago we head for the capital, where some other clowns are holed up. Some stuff happened and Jose won and he got to be king of Costa Rica. We all partied pretty hard after that.

    Problem was though, Jose was a vampire too, and he used us to take control from the other vampires so he could for real invade Panama with his loyal vampire army. Also I think they could go out in the daylight. Either way we got the hell out of there, all those alleged civilians we didn’t burn were surely going to be press ganged into his army, and we couldn’t fight a nation. Not after the last time we tried that without an army behind us.

    So we left the country and kept an ear out for news about the future slaughter of all those canal people. But it never happened, it was a secret invasion. They took over slowly and quietly. Nobody even noticed that the population was being replaced with vampires and their brainwashed lackeys.

    So that’s why it costs so much to cross the Panama Canal.

    Fucking Vampires